12-06-13

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Yesterday I made a reference to hitting brick walls. Well, today was not much different at all. If there was one difference, it's the effect of the brick wall was a million times harder than yesterday. Today was a good day, but then I got out of bed and it all went down the drain. If you are looking for positivity and a blog about how I'm going to dominate and change the world, it is not today. It was not a good day and to be honest, I couldn't even fake it today.

It started with me finally getting out of bed because Wednesdays are typically busy here with it being doctor day all around. So I was not getting out of bed any time before 10:30 today and that proved to be true. At 10:50, I attempted to shower but the guy I share a bathroom with slept in and told me he had an appointment at 11:00 and so he needed to shower and right then. Being in a fairly good mood, I didn't mind and told him I'd just have a wash and he takes priority, but that he should tell me these things and plan his time better in the future so that we are both not inconvenienced.

So I was already a bit frustrated and had only just got out of bed. Then, only a few minutes after getting out of bed, I noticed the doctors were in and so I stayed there instead of going outside because they did want to see me. This was where my day really hit the fan. You see, if you've been reading the past couple of days, they were really happy and I was going to be going home in the next few days. However, they told me today I am not quite ready and although they were not specific, they said I will not be going home for at least another week or two, possibly more. I've heard statements like that many times in my life where medical professionals have changed their minds at the last second and it usually just rolls off my shoulders. Today was very different and to be fair, I'm rather disappointed with myself for reacting the way I did. I immediately froze, turned my phone to silent and went outside. I couldn't hold back the emotion of the situation and the tears just rolled. I've done everything I have been asked for five long months of hell and now it feels like they just keep finding the most miniscule reason to keep me in hospital. Well, I am so tired of it and all I want now is just to go home and they won't let me and they aren't even telling me exactly why.

If that's not enough for one day, I obviously was not feeling up to going to physio today. Peter was in the hall way and saw me sitting there. He told me it's not good enough, how useless I am and how much I need to lift my game and to harden up. I simply didn't say anything to him because I feared if I did, I may have lost my temper today, so I bit my tongue. I then went outside, as far in the bush as I could and just sat there until I needed to come back in for dinner, which I didn't touch anyway because it looked terrible.

To make things worse, the one person who can understand my situation today can't help because she's in heaven. Zoe would totally be a decent help to me today and even though a couple of people did try and help, and I do appreciate the efforts, today was just horrible because it felt like I couldn't find anyone who could truly relate to how tired I am right now. Well, it may only be early but I'm ready for bed because today just needs to end.