30-05-13

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Get comfortable and I hope you've got a drink handy because this is going to be a long one. If you haven't, go make one now and come back. Okay, so I haven't blogged in around a week and originally when I started this blog, I did say they'd be daily blogs. For that, I am sorry and must acknowledge inconsistency is something I definitely need to work on (in a lot of parts of my life at the moment). This week has been a tough one internally and as is my usual mode when tough things go down, I retreat to my corner with my chocolate, soft toy and Switchfoot. Well, this week has been no different, except instead of Switchfoot, it was Dashboard Confessional. Heck, I've barely even spoken to my mother or my best friend this week.

I said to Simon yesterday that I stopped blogging simply because I am an introvert emotionally (not a lie) and that I'm not comfortable sharing my personal experiences with people, especially on the internet, knowing that any person in the world can read this. However, I was reminded today that it's so not about me, at all. In my first blog, I acknowledged my pastor, Geoff Woodward and how he originally encouraged me to do this. He said a lot of people will get encouragement through this and so far, that has been the case.

Today I realized through texting with Amy, that if we keep silent, the devil wins because then we can't change our world. Indifference is something the devil loves and if he manages to silence us, we can become indifferent and then bitter. Yes, it is tough sharing my daily experiences with you all, but I think this is just a test, a growing experience and it's showing me that there are things in my own life I need to address, such as this. Therefore I am continuing on with my blog and vow to work on my consistency with it.

I've been overthinking a lot, which is something I do a lot anyway, but I've been doing it a lot more than normal lately. Sure, I've been getting out of bed everyday consistently and all that is going very well. However, aside from that, there isn't really much I can do on hospital grounds even when I am out of my room. I've been thinking a lot about the people who have genuinely been there for me throughout the past few months and come to the conclusion that it is a very small list. I am not going to name names because they know who they are. I've been questioning a lot of people's intentions, whether they are genuine or not and I think it's just been a reminder that I really, really don't like fake people - at all! I know that when I go home I am going to face a lot of people who have done barely anything for me during this whole experience and they will claim they love me. I will probably look them in the face and ask, "Do you?" because I am feeling a lot more blunt than normal at the moment and I am not in the mood for beating around the bush, more than usual. I've made a list of those people whom I know love me most and made them my top priority to catch up when I get home. I'm not going to be rude and ignore people, but my priorities will be different. I don't have time or energy to give myself to every single person who asks for it anymore, as harsh as that sounds. Also, I have no tolerance at all for small-minded complaining about first-world problems, so don't bother coming to me with them.

In closing, considering this is meant to be about my daily experiences, I should mention I am getting out of bed twice daily now, for a combined total of about five hours a day and the doctors are very happy. I started going to the physio gym this week to try and regain some fitness and strength and next week I will be going to occupational therapy to work on some chair transfers and things like that.